


Repentance

by CrimsonAkane



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Anger, Boys Being Idiots, Feelings, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:55:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25759213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrimsonAkane/pseuds/CrimsonAkane
Summary: He's supposed to hate Julius, yet he can't seem to muster that emotion. Julius, clearly, draws something else out of him.
Relationships: Julius Kingsley/Kururugi Suzaku, Kururugi Suzaku/Lelouch Lamperouge | Lelouch vi Britannia
Comments: 5
Kudos: 58





	Repentance

**Author's Note:**

> Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose  
> If you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you

“Stop,” Suzaku murmured, rolling so he shove Kingsley away firmly, “you have your own side.” A metaphorical wall erected down the center of the bed. Suzaku didn’t want to take any chances; he had learned his lessons the hard way and yet he still succumbed every time. He didn’t want Kinglsey’s teeth at his neck, he didn’t want his warmth at his back, he didn’t… want him. He wanted Lelouch. He wanted Kingsley to  _ be _ Lelouch again. But, alas, wishes only came true in fairy tales and Suzaku was trapped in a nightmare.

“I’m cold,” Kingsley stated as he pressed closer again.

“That sounds like a personal problem.”

“I’m making it your problem.”

Suzaku sighed and sat up, brushing his hair back from his face.  _ Fucking needy, bi-polar prick…  _

The white knight, in an attempt to keep the devil at bay, tucked the blankets tight around the other’s body and stood. The last time Kingsley had been ‘cold’, Suzaku had ended up with his hands tied to the headboard. He still ached, both in good ways and bad, remembering the way Kingsley bent him. And the way his devil laid claim to his body. The heat that clawed its way through him was akin to a wildfire, spreading rapidly and ready to consume every last shred of restraint he desperately held onto.

He was completely and utterly damned, wasn’t he?

Suzkau sighed when he felt Kingsley’s hand on his wrist. “No games this time,” the other muttered, “just come back to bed for once.”

“Why should I?”

The white knight looked over his shoulder, a hard set to his eyes. A challenge. Could Kingsley actually convince him in a nice way? That laying down with him in his spacious bed was in any way a good idea for either of them? That it wouldn’t end up with more bruises, or cuts, or anguish for either of them?

Julius was quiet for a moment, looking at Suzaku like he was a piece of art. Appreciation was, in all honesty, a strange emotion on his usually cold face.

“I just want your warmth,” the tactician finally murmured, “if it makes it easier, you can pretend that I’m him. You can pretend that I am Lelouch.”

Suzaku stiffened, not sure how to react if he was honest with himself.

_ If Julius only knew… _

“Why would--”

“You love him. That heart of yours belongs to him,” Julius’ regarded him, almost cautiously. “For one night, Suzaku, you can pretend.” The unspoken words that hung in the air were sad but neither of them wanted to say them. More like neither wanted to accept them.  _ For one night, I want you to love me as you love him… _

The knight of seven held back his sigh and shook the tactician’s grip off. But gently, hesitantly, he threaded their fingers together as he took his hand instead. Maybe one night of make-believe wouldn’t destroy them both. He knew it was an awful idea yet there was a little part of him that wanted to give into it. Give into this softer version of his devil who, in his own twisted way, just wanted Suzaku’s attention. His genuine affections.

Suzaku remembered the horrors he had seen Kingsley wrought and it was a splash of cold water against his skin. “It’s not a good idea,” he murmured at last.

For once, Kingsley seemed to understand without him lashing out; he was the first one to let go. The genuine sadness on the tactician’s face cut him like the letter opener on the desk in the other room. Guilt rose in his chest and he sighed to himself. Part of him couldn’t believe that he felt bad about saying no.

The other part felt guilty about wanting to change his mind.

“Can you… get me some tea at least?” Julius asked. “Before you leave?”

He didn’t speak. Suzaku only made his way to the kitchenette to heat some water and make the mint tea that both of them admitted to liking. Getting away from Julius let Suzaku breathe again. It cleared his mind a little bit and allowed him a few precious moments to think with a, relatively, level head. Suzaku, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, wanted to play make believe for a little while. He wanted to pretend that he wasn’t a knight, that Lulu wasn’t a monster, and that the war that raged outside didn’t exist. For one night he wanted to pretend that they were two simple people again, that they… Well...

That they genuinely loved each other.

The white knight carried the mug back and set it on the end table by Kingsley’s side of the bed. He didn’t risk a glance up at him.

“If I stay I need your word,” he finally spoke, meeting Julius’ curious gaze.

“My word?”

“No games. No violence. Just you and me lying here.”

Curiosity turned soft and the tactician, though victorious, was eager to reply. “I promise.”

Neither of them were good at “just laying there” as it turned out. The minute Suzaku settled back on his side of the bed Julius latched onto him, tangling up with him. Suzaku held him close and buried his face in Julius’ raven hair. 

He still smelled faintly of wisteria.

Lulu had always smelled faintly of wisteria.

***

He hadn’t realized he had fallen asleep until, a few hours later, he felt Julius’ nails gently tracing up and down his spine. Suzaku hummed softly, letting him know he was awake, and Julius seemed to melt against him with a soft hum of his own. They were quiet, basking in the moonlight, wrapped up in each other. Suzaku’s hum turned into a soft gasp when Julius’ lips pressed to the new scar on his collarbone. It felt like… an apology.

“You don’t--”

“Shush,” the tactician murmured, rolling him onto his back.

Suzaku let him, lying still while Julius kissed his way down the plane of his chest. No teeth, no knives, which was all the more shocking at this point of whatever this relationship was. It was tender and gentle; Suzaku wasn’t used to it. He wasn’t used to the devil himself being… kind.

The white knight stirred, arching as Julius’ mouth closed around his shaft.

Julius had never been one to take his time, he never seemed to truly want to savor the moment. He usually wanted that quick satisfaction of claiming, of owning. Triumph over the knight he deemed as noble. This time though? Much to Suzaku’s surprise, Kingsley seemed content to take his time. His head bobbed slowly and it drove the knight up the wall. This wasn’t enough to scratch the craving; Suzaku needed more.

“Please,” Suzaku begged, not completely sure what it was he wanted exactly. It wasn’t like Kingsley to treat him as if he was valuable, as if he mattered more than just a way to please himself. As much as it pained him to admit, this… was what he had always wanted. A moment of tenderness in his self imposed hell. Euphy... Tears pricked at the corner of his green eyes thinking about her. Those wounds were still too fresh; they also made him hate the man he was with. His relationship with Lelouch, with Kinsgley, was complicated to say the least. He hated him. But… it wasn’t the complete truth either. Part of him would always love Lelouch; he couldn’t stop if he tried. “Julius,” he murmured, tangling his slender fingers in his raven hair.

The white knight risked a glance down and met Julius’ interested gaze. “You’ve never said my name that way,” the dark knight finally replied.

And the sadness in his voice took Suzaku’s breath away for a moment.

It also broke his heart.

As awful as they were together, they also worked a little too well together. They were like poison and wine.

Suzaku couldn’t take looking at him with that gentle look on his face. He tried to guide Kingsley’s head up to kiss him instead, to make himself close his eyes and pretend that the tactician was Lulu. That’s… what he had asked him to do, right?

“Ah,” the tactician purred softly, breaking Suzaku’s hold on him and sinking back between his legs. He hooked one of Suzaku’s legs over his shoulder and the white knight tried to pull away, anticipation filling his chest. He braced for the shock as Kingsley’s lips drew close to the tender skin of his thigh. He closed his eyes waiting for teeth against the soft skin, wondering briefly if this was what a sheep felt like when a wolf was close. The bite never came. Instead Julius kissed the mark tenderly, almost as if it was an apology. It felt like a lightning strike. Suzaku moaned his name and clutched at the sheets under him.

“ _ Julius _ ,” he begged again and the tactician indulged him by pressing his lips to the scar once again. Then he slid his fingers into him in one slick motion. Thankful for their time earlier, Suzaku let loose a pleased sigh, reaching above his head to grip the headboard. Kingsley opened him back up slowly, touched him like he was made of glass for the first time in their year together. For the first time, Suzaku felt like they were normal. The white knight looked at the tactician from under his lashes. It seemed like an innocent enough gesture but he severely underestimated the reaction it would have on Kingsley.

Slender fingers withdrew suddenly and Kingsley shrugged his leg off his shoulder. “If you look at me like that,” he purred, “I don’t think I’ll be able to resist.”

Suzaku sat up slightly, then completely and crawled towards him. “Who said I wanted you to?”

The tactician reached for him. Julius kissed him suddenly, held him close, and thrusted up suddenly into him. Despite their sleeping together before, this time felt different. It seemed like… Julius actually wanted him. Not just the release of using him.

Julius settled Suzaku in his lap, steadied him through his tremor with gentle kisses along his jaw. To make it even, Suzaku gently untied the eyepatch. It had been far too long since he had seen both of those beautiful eyes. Even the one with that cursed power that had torn his world asunder with a few, easy words. The white knight rocked against him, taking him deeper, as he traced Kingsley’s cheekbone.

“I love you,” the black night murmured, “selfishly, greedily. But…”

Now that was a surprise. He swallowed heavily and rested his arms on Julius’ shoulders, the idea of ‘pretending’ once again coming into his head. He didn’t want to pretend. He really… wanted to love Julius if even for one night. One night without Euphy’s ghost. One night without Lelouch’s ghost staring back at him. For once, Suzaku wanted to not give a damn. He surrendered to the feelings he kept locked up, let them take over him. And he was ready to give into him.

“I know,” Suzaku whispered, leaning in so his forehead rested against Kingsley’s. The words caught in his throat. He knew he shouldn’t say them. But, as so many times before, Suzaku knew that he was about to dash headlong into a world of disasters. “I love you too.”

The surprise in Julius’ eyes was genuine. Both knew they shouldn’t admit it. They were… wrong. This was wrong. That didn’t mean that their truth was any less valid. Julius’ lips found the pulse in his neck and kissed it softly, thrusting up, hips angled in such a way to drag an unwitting moan from Suzaku’s parted lips. The white knight’s hands tangled in Julius’ hair. “I love you,” the tactician murmured again against his neck as he thrust. And Suzaku sang for him, moans tumbling from his lips as he rocked in Julius’ lap.

When they finished, Julius held him close and nuzzled into the crook of his neck. Suzaku purred as he slumped against him in return, trying to catch his breath. The silence was comfortable for once; a rare occurrence. But of course Kingsley had to ruin it. “Do you mean it?”

“Mean what?” Suzaku mumbled, kissed his shoulder.

Julius made a disappointed sound but kissed the pulse point of the white knight’s neck, “Tease.”

Suzaku snorted softly, lifting his head from Julius’ shoulder so he could kiss him quickly, “Do you mean when I said I love you?”

It felt like his heart stalled in his chest. Of course Kingsley would latch onto that though, to be fair, Suzaku had opened the door by saying it back. He sighed softly and leaned back to distance himself just a little bit. The purple eyes that were watching him were guarded, but waiting. Suzaku didn’t have the fight in him any more. “Yeah,” he admitted softly, “I do love you.”

“As much as you shouldn’t,” Julius’ finished softly, guarded look fading back into sadness.

“Yeah,” Suzaku whispered, lifting himself from Julius’ lap to lay on the bed. He wasn’t sure if he really wanted to have this conversation. But… “Come here.” He welcomed Julius as the other crawled over him, hooked a leg around him to hold him close. “Just because I shouldn’t, doesn’t mean I don’t.”

“But you love him,” Julius chided softly, settling his weight on top of him.

Suzaku nodded slowly, then kissed him softly, “I do love him. And I will always love him. But that doesn’t mean I can’t love you too.”

Kingsley softened immediately and kissed him again.

That was when Suzaku knew for sure that he would, always, love Lelouch. Kingsley. One soul, faceted like a diamond. Despite everything, he would love him.

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't heard the Sam Tsui & Kurt Schneider version of 'Clarity', I highly recommend listening to it. Also surprise, I'm still thinking about Julius Kingsley and all the delicious angst that surrounds him. Many thanks to the few friends that read this first and gave me feedback. You know who you are <3


End file.
